The Avengers Knit
by fezwearingjellybananas
Summary: Alternatively titled 101 Knitting Patterns to Turn Captain Steve Rogers into a Tomato. Tony Stark knows the only way to counteract bad publicity is through good publicity (call it his business side), and something needs to be done after all Ultron did. Seeing Natasha knit gives him an idea. And if they end up embarrassing Steve along the way? Even better (Knitting Fic)


"We should do something."

"That's specific, Tony," Bruce said, peering over the newspaper. "Anything in particular?"

"You have seen the front page, haven't you?"

"No, I usually read my papers back to front."

"Stop being sarcastic about it, I'm trying to be clever."

"Stark bothering you again?" Natasha asked, walking in and pulling out a seat next to Bruce. "Regretting coming back?"

"I didn't come back, I was dragged back to Iowa by Clint and told it would be safe here, then you lot all showed up."

"He needed tractor help, have you seen it?" Tony said.

"I'm the adopted aunt to his kids and they just named their newest after me, where else would I be?"

"Wanda's here too," Bruce said.

"Clint's pretty much adopted her. Blames himself for her brother probably, but he gave her that little booster during the battle, he's easing her in. He likes her."

"Vision."

"You, Tony, Dr Cho and Thor are basically his parents. Though mostly he just likes Wanda."

"Bruce, we need to give our son the talk."

"Going back to the point," Bruce said. "What do you want to do, Tony?"

"We've had a lot of bad publicity. We could make some good."

"You already did something with the Maria Stark Foundation to help everywhere Ultron hit, didn't you?" Natasha asked.

"Shh, Wanda can't know that yet, she still doesn't like me, it's a surprise."

"It's because you have a soft spot for people, admit it, Stark."

"I do not, Romanoff."

"Yes you do. You pretend not to, but you do." She started fiddling with something under the table. "What were you thinking?"

"What are you doing?"

"Knitting." She pulled out a bundle of yarn and some needles with something hanging off them. "My best friend's wife just had a baby. I was going to make a jumper. Going to say something, Stark?"

"That you're a genius. Knitting. That's it, that's what we'll do."

"Knit what?"

"Something. Lots of things. Donate them. Humanise the Avengers. Good PR, I'll talk to Pep."

"Can you knit?" Bruce asked. "Because I can't. I know Natasha's good, even she's not that good."

"Then a blog. A blog could work. The great Black Widow teaches the other Avengers to knit."

"Clint can knit," Natasha said. "He's terrible and mucks about, and he drops half his stitches, but he can."

"So he can help teach. Unless you don't want to tell Steve straight away."

"Oh. That's an idea."

"Getting you two together to plan something was a terrible idea."

"Lighten up, Bruce, at least we're not doing anything dangerous. We're just multitasking, increasing good public image, learning to knit, and pranking Steve Rogers."

"I can do patterns. I wonder how many ways you can knit Captain America socks?" Natasha said.

"And then you'll have a hundred and one pairs of Captain America socks to do what with?" Bruce asked.

"I'm sure someone will want them. Donate them or flog them for charity or something," Tony said.

"And they say Tony Stark doesn't have a heart."

* * *

 **Sign Up**

 **E-mail:**

 **Password:**

 **Username:**

"Avengers e-mail? An account we can all access? I can set that up under Stark Industries, give me a few minutes."

"A username?"

"Keep it simple. The Avengers Knit or something. Or maybe have little ones, we'll have an official Avengers where we talk about Avengery stuff, then a side one with knitting. Or just a page and a really good organisation system. Look, there's these things called tags, we can use them. We need a blog title too."

"Oh, put dashes in whatever you're doing," Clint said, walking past and reaching into a cupboard. "Unless you can use spaces. But if you can't, dashes are fun. Do I want to know what the three of you are planning in my kitchen?"

"We're making a knitting blog," Natasha said. "To make things which embarrass Steve."

"And increase our positive public image and give us a better relationship with the public," Tony said.

"And to donate things to people and possibly raise money for charity," Bruce said. "It was Tony's idea."

"As long as you're not teaching my kids bad habits. Or putting them in danger."

"What about you, what are you doing here?"

"It's lunch. Laura's putting Nate down for his nap, I'm making sandwiches. Does this blog include improving technique, because I think Lila and Cooper are both better than me."

"They are better than you," Natasha said. "Nathaniel is probably better than you."

"Natasha, you keep your needles away from my baby until he's at least four and not going to poke his eyes out."

"That's four," Tony said. "Here we go look, we need a blog title. That could be the Avengers Knit too."

"I have a better idea," Natasha said. "This is partly about Steve, right?"

* * *

 _ **the-avengers-knit posted:**_

 _Day One. Basics of casting on taught to Tony Stark and Bruce Banner. Images above of their mess. As it's clear to see, just because you're a genius engineer, doesn't mean you take to knitting straight away. Tony started with his typical red, Bruce with green. And the red is an utter mess, sorry Stark._

 _Hawkeye, the most amazing Avenger, is knitting in purple to refresh his technique. I don't know if my name is public knowledge or not, I'm pretty sure it got out with the SHIELD stuff, let's just stick with Hawkeye._

 _Black Widow, the second best Avenger, is our resident expert knitter, all old lady jokes have already been made by yours truly so no thanks, pretty sure I'm the only one who wouldn't get stabbed, bear in mind she did train as an assassin and is holding onto two pointy things. Knitting needles are good at stabbing, I have scars. Not from Black Widow. Anyway, she's doing a multi-coloured Captain America pattern for you all, as well as teaching._

 _Currently there's only four of us, I'm sure everyone will get yarned in eventually (get it, yarned instead of roped?) And if you're wondering why I'm typing instead of say, Tony Stark who had the idea, or Black Widow who knows about knitting, or Bruce who was the first person Tony discussed doing something with, it's because of this_

 _[Image: Tony Stark and Bruce Banner knitting with Black Widow]_

 _Honestly, give them a pair of needles and they're hooked (eh, would have been a better pun if they were doing crochet)_

 _So that's day one. Successful integration of Tony Stark and Bruce Banner to knitting circles everywhere. Keep a look out, I don't have sheep._

 _\- H_

 _When did we decide you were the best Avenger?_

 _\- TS_

* * *

 _ **the-avengers-knit posted:**_

 _Day Seven: Much improvement from Stark and Banner, they've now mastered the garter stitch. We'll work on casting off next._

 _Scarlet Witch has joined our ranks, so we're up to five._

 _And pattern number one of the Captain America Collection is coming along nicely, as shown in the image above._

 _As for Hawkeye's status as the best Avenger, we threw that out the window, everyone knows it's me. (Are we not doing just names, Hawkeye? Yours is definitely on the internet)_

 _\- NR (or BW)_

 _Yeah, I'm still questioning when we decided this_

 _\- TS_

* * *

 _ **the-avengers-knit posted:**_

 _Day Fourteen: We've gained everyone except Steve Rogers. He'll show up when we tell him. First, we need to present him with socks. Also Thor. He's on Asgard. Not got a phone._

 _Currently we're sitting in the front of the Tower and everyone is knitting. Natasha has almost done with the socks, she doesn't half knit quickly. Then again, we haven't had much to do for the past couple of weeks, so she's had time. Except Hawkeye, he's had lots to do._

 _[Image: All the Avengers sans Cap, Thor and Falcon sitting in a circle knitting]_

 _Say hi, guys!_

 _Anyway, we should probably be getting on with this. Speak soon!_

 _\- F (SW? But that's Scarlet Witch too, I'll stick with Falcon); the real best Avenger_

 _Seriously, when did we decide this?_

 _\- TS_

 _We're not arguing with that one, Tony_

 _\- NR_

 _Sam's the best of all of us_

 _\- H_

 _He's got wings, he's pretty much the definition of a guardian angel_

 _\- JR_

 _Probably true_

 _\- TS_

* * *

 ** _Anoymous asked: Is this seriously the real Avengers, or are you just awesome cosplayers?_**

 ** _the-avengers-knit answered:_** _Hi, Tony Stark here, yeah, that one. The actual one. The real thing. We're the real Avengers, yeah. Still missing Cap and Thor, hold onto that thought, because we've got a surprise coming._

 _\- TS_

* * *

"We gained, like, a thousand followers overnight," Clint said. "Also, check out this stitch I found, Nat, it looks so cool, I'm edging my scarf in it."

"You're edging your scarf in what this time? You're halfway through it, just make squares in all your stitches and make a blanket."

"Really? You want me to knit lots of squares?"

"Clint, this is the third time today you've shown me a pattern and gone 'I'm going to edge my scarf in it'. That's just today."

"I could make different scarves? Hawkeye scarves, they'd go like hot cakes."

"That one won't."

"This is for Laura. She might get cold working out on the farm. She needs a scarf. And gloves, Nat, can you teach me to make gloves next?"

"Could do. Cap gloves. Why not? Rhodey?"

"I've never made a pattern, but my grandmother taught me how to knit and I have made gloves. I could stripe them, do a basic Cap thing."

"Clint, Rhodey's doing gloves."

"Nice. I volunteer to make a Steve scarf, I can use this stitch here look, then this one, and make it stripy."

"Lovely. You do that. As for the socks, I need a few more days."

"I can't do tomorrow, unless you want to come to the farm," Clint said.

"We'll give you and Laura a while," Bruce said.

"Though you will have to return when we give Steve the socks," Wanda said. "You can't miss out on that."

"Nope. I'll see you all soon."

He left and the others returned to knitting. Somehow Vision and Wanda ended up almost sitting in each other's laps. Tony looked like he was going to say something until Rhodey sat in his.

* * *

 ** _Anonymous asked: Oh my gosh, you're the real Avengers? I love you guys!_**

 ** _Anonymous asked: So you're knitting instead of helping in Sokovia?_**

 ** _Anonymous asked: You can knit, Black Widow? You're my favourite superhero ever and you can knit? I love you even more. It might be a weird question, you don't know where I can find an explanation of this yarn over thing, do you?_**

 ** _Anonymous asked: I'm so confused, who is everyone?_**

"I think people like us," Tony said. "Except that one, I'll answer that one, Wanda, you stay away from it."

"We should be helping."

"You did help," Vision said. "All you did was to help your people."

"There's not much else you could be doing, you don't have the skills for what they need," Tony said. "Nat, second one's for you. Bruce, you've got the last one."

"Fine."

 ** _the-avengers-knit answered:_** _Hi. Quick run-down._

 _TS- Tony Stark, Iron Man, not currently a main Avenger_

 _NR- Natasha Romanoff, Black Widow, our expert teacher_

 _H- Hawkeye (choosing not to disclose his name for personal reasons, though it's probably on the internet in SHIELD's files), not currently a main Avenger_

 _F- Sam Wilson, Falcon_

 _JR- James Rhodes, War Machine, he's also pretty good, been knitting for a while_

 _SW- Scarlet Witch (again, personal reasons, though before you start asking about Sokovia, I would like to remind you that it's her home and the whole reason she's in this mess is because she was trying to protect it)_

 _V- Vision_

 _BB- Bruce Banner, turns into the Hulk but we're actually different people, not currently a main Avenger and slightly hiding from the military, they don't like me much._

 _Still to come_

 _T- Thor, on Asgard at the moment, doubts he'll be back for a while, there's a lot he needs to clear up in space_

 _SR- Steve Rogers, Captain America, we haven't told him yet, we're surprising him with socks._

 _\- BB_

* * *

"Natasha, you have twelve more questions about complicated knitting," Wanda said, looking at the computer screen. Natasha headed over to answer, Rhodey helping. He could do stuff too.

"Not now," Sam said, looking up from his phone. "We've got an Assemble message from Fury. You two staying here?"

"Unless you're in need of a Code Green," Bruce said. "With Thor being off world as well."

"We've got this," Natasha said, putting a hand on his arm. "You two can stay here and knit."

* * *

Steve didn't know what to expect when they called him to the Tower.

It wasn't everyone presenting him with a pair of socks and the sound of a camera with a grinning Clint behind it.

"So, do you shoot a picture as well as an arrow?" Tony asked, taking it over to a computer.

"Did you knit me Captain America socks?" Steve asked.

"Nat did," Sam answered. "It's her own pattern."

"Part two has been fulfilled," Tony said. "Look at his little face."

"Part two of what?"

"By the way, we have a blog. A knitting blog. We're that cool."

"A knitting what?"

"Here," Rhodey said. "There's these internet sites you can make blogs, this is the Avengers' knitting blog. The username is the Avengers knit, but with dashes instead of spaces. The blog title, well."

"101 Knitting Patterns to Turn Captain Steve Rogers into a Tomato," Steve read. "Why am I not surprised."

"Here's pattern number one," Tony said, uploading the picture with the pre-typed pattern by Natasha and adding a comment. "Clint and Rhodey are working on two and three, the rest of us are learning, you in? All spare knitting stuff goes to charity and Nat's giving away advice."

"Fine. But I'm not knitting Captain America patterns."

* * *

Several months past, the knitting patterns grew in number, most of the things got sent to various people, Tony sorted it. They all got much better at knitting. Natasha was half way through a Cap jumper. Steve refused to knit in blue, red or white.

And there were about fifty pictures of Steve in various embarrassed states followed by knitting patterns. Natasha had one of them framed.

Steve decided to take his revenge by knitting her a bright pink hat. Sadly, she loved it. And then made a pink and purple hat based around his shield.

* * *

 ** _Anonymous asked: When you make socks for Doctor Banner, do you make them Hulk sized as well?_**

 ** _the-avengers-knit_** **_answered:_** _This ask has been sitting in here for a while because Nat wouldn't let me answer until she'd made a Hulk sized pair of socks and I could show you the picture_

 _[Image: two extremely large socks falling down Bruce's legs]_

 _They're very comfortable. Too large to wear shoes with, but comfortable. Hulk likes them too, he doesn't talk to me much, but there's a little satisfied feeling in the back of my head, he likes them, and he's very grateful you thought of him too._

 _\- BB_

 ** _Anonymous asked: You don't have any other knitting patterns, do you? Not that I don't love a blushing Cap, but almost all merch is for Iron Man, Cap, Thor and Hulk. I'd love to see someone else for once._**

 ** _the-avengers-knit answered:_** _Ask and ye shall receive, oh wise anon, here is my current stack of planned Black Widow patterns [Image of a large pile of paper scraps]. Just sending them through testing._

 _\- H_

 _Edit:_

 _Hawkeye, these are all terrible and none of them will work. But I'll work on a Scarlet Witch pattern for you_

 _\- NR_

 _Edit:_

 _New game, send in submissions for all your designs, we'll try them out and add them to the collection_

 _\- F_

* * *

"Clint, what did you do?" Natasha asked. All the Avengers, still sans Thor, were at his front door.

"Well it's a good thing you didn't arrive an hour ago when I was taking Cooper and Lila to school."

"We have thirty patterns for various Avengers patterns. There's even a Hawkeye one."

"People love me. Thirty? I thought three, tops."

"No, Clint."

"Oops? It was Sam's idea for them to send stuff, blame him."

"You started it," Sam said. "You tried to make Black Widow patterns."

"You're both idiots," Natasha said. "Wanda thought maybe we could send the things back to the people. She's a little overwhelmed, there's five Scarlet Witch patterns."

"That's because people love Wanda."

"I do not understand."

"It's because you're awesome," Clint said. "Can I see?"

They came in and pulled up the inbox. Some were scans of hand drawn stuff, some were screenshots of Excel (or similar looking spreadsheet programs, others are available), all of it pretty amazing.

"Oh, I like that one," Clint said, pointing at a pair of grey socks with twirls of red, like Wanda's magic. They hadn't thought up a better name than magic. "Can I made that one?"

"You have no idea how to make socks. Or do anything involving colour that isn't stripes where you tie the yarn together," Natasha said. "You can't learn socks and colour work at once."

"Fine, I'll make this one. A nice scarf, I'm great at scarves."

"Let him dream," Tony said.

"If you're all going to be rude, you could at least not do it in my own home, I haven't dropped a stitch for months."

"You did see your Cap pattern, didn't you?"

"Shall I assume you lot are staying for dinner? Good luck knitting those patterns, I have a roof to fix. Vision, you can fly, can you help? Please?"

"Are you using his flight abilities to fix a roof?"

"Usually I just catch him when he falls off the ladder," Vision said.

"That was one time. And that was supposed to stay between us. This is why Laura always helps when ladders are involved."

"You fell off another roof?" Natasha asked.

"Just carry on with your knitting and let me fix my roof in peace."

"So we're going to completely blame Clint for this and pretend I had nothing to do with it, aren't we?"

"Sam, get over here and knit a scarf," Steve said.

"Can't I go and help fix the roof?"

* * *

The knitting grew. People kept sending in patterns until they were so overwhelmed there wasn't time to make them all. People started to knit their own after that.

They also branched out to other patterns. Natasha, for some unknown reason to the internet, was specialising in clothes for toddlers. There were speculations in the tabloids of whose baby it was, they'd picked up on the knitting. Natasha settled for 'a friend who would rather stay out of the media circle'. She still gave advice with Rhodey. But everyone had started being able to do that.

It was relaxing too, in between Avenging and whatever else needed to be done.

So they kept up the knitting. Not quite as often, maybe, and everyone started to slow down now the novelty had worn off, but they kept at it.

Until an ask came in one day.

 ** _Anonymous asked: I kind of accidentally went through your entire blog and right at the beginning Hawkeye made a crochet pun, can you crochet?_**

Everyone looked at Clint who shrugged and answered.

"I have a wife. I had a job. I have existed for quite a while. My life does not revolve around you."

"You struggled with knitting this whole time when you could crochet?" Sam asked. "My mother crochets."

"I can't crochet. Not well. Laura can. She taught me the basics for a cover once."

"Clint. You can crochet?"

"This is twenty years ago or something, not quite that long, maybe only seventeen, Laura and I weren't even married, we'd only just started dating, there was a lot of bonding over crochet hooks. We were so young."

"What kind of SHIELD mission involves crochet?" Tony asked.

"The same one I got stabbed with knitting needles, there was a ninja grandma or something. I think it was a cover for some kind of arms dealers or something, I don't remember exactly, you'll have better luck skimming through SHIELD's files."

"What can you crochet?"

"Scarves. Don't you look at me like that, Wanda, I'll have you know I crocheted Laura a scarf for our first wedding anniversary, she loved it and she still has it. I think I made a hat once too? I don't know, like I said, it was years ago."

"So what you're saying is, you need to refresh your technique?"

"Here we go again," Rhodey said.

 ** _the-avengers-knit answered:_** _He hasn't for years, but he's up for trying again. And we've got pretty good at this knitting. Natasha's got one more Steve pattern for you, but the rest of us? Well, how hard can crochet be?_

 _\- TS_

* * *

 **Author's Note: Written for fannishknits on Tumblr's knit fic day and inspired by a conversation with agentmarymargaretskitz we had after I last wrote knitting.**


End file.
